


Bread Without Yeast

by Gang_Aft_Agley



Series: Superheroes, Scooby Style [3]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Incredible Hulk (2008)
Genre: Coulson & Captain America, Coulson has 99 problems and Giles is making them all worse, Crossover, Epistolary, Gen, Giles is a troll, Harlem, Is it still epistolary if it's emails?, MCU/Buffy Crossover, Magic meets Science, Origins of Captain America in this 'verse, Phil Coulson & Nick Fury Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-29
Updated: 2016-02-29
Packaged: 2018-05-23 21:13:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6130236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gang_Aft_Agley/pseuds/Gang_Aft_Agley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil Coulson has had a terrible week, and needs an old friend to cross one thing off the list.</p><p>Rupert Giles can't resist having a little fun at his expense.</p><p>Nick Fury is 100% done with everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bread Without Yeast

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks again to the lovely [twangcat](http://archiveofourown.org/users/twangcat/pseuds/twangcat) for this crossover idea!

From: [pjcoulson@shield.gov](mailto:pjcoulson@shield.gov)

To: [rgiles@iswc.uk](mailto:rgiles@iswc.uk)

June 5, 2011 at 3:37 am

Subject: Help - Harlem Incident

Giles,

I know I’ve asked a lot from you this week, but I need another favor. I have dispatched a SHIELD courier to bring you some blood and hair samples from both of the individuals involved in the so-called “Harlem Terror”, along with some supplemental data that we … _acquired_ in the aftermath.

Please, please, please do whatever it is that you do and make sure that the incident did not involve demonic possession or vampiric interference or magic gone awry or anything that the scientific method can’t fully explain. I do not have enough hair left to once more dive into the sordid depths of the arcane; Barton alone has already cost me most of it.

I would prefer just to go yell at R & D, and then let our scientists handle it. Also, in no way to I want to have to bring your particular area of expertise to the attention of anyone at the Pentagon or the WSC, and _especially_ not to General Ross. No one at SHIELD wants anyone formerly associated with the Initiative to become … _involved_ , in the matter.

As a pre-emptive bribe/advance payment for services soon-to-be-rendered, the courier will also be bringing you a few tins of that tea you like, the one that can only be found at that one boutique shop in Brooklyn AND some of Melinda May’s shortbread, packed in dry ice. Yes, there is enough to share.

I will not tell you the unspeakable things I had to do to pry that shortbread out of her hands, so I hope that you are appropriately grateful.

Get back to me as soon as you can.

Phil

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Phillip J. Coulson                                                                                                                                                                                                             Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division

 

 

From: [rgiles@iswc.uk](mailto:rgiles@iswc.uk)

To: [pjcoulson@shield.gov](mailto:pjcoulson@shield.gov)

June 11, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Subject: Re: Help – Harlem Incident

Phil,

Frankly, I don’t _care_ what unholy acts you had to perform to acquire that shortbread; the eventual and no doubt unpleasant fate of your firstborn is of supreme disinterest to me. Also, thank you for the tea. I suspect I will need it when you finish reading this e-mail, because while it isn’t exactly _bad_ news, it isn’t precisely what you wanted to hear, either.

Your initial instincts were correct: there is absolutely _no_ magical, demonic or vampiric components or residue in any of the samples or data that you sent us. Nothing about anything the courier sent had Buffy’s Slayer-senses tingling (the shortbread was a different matter – what _does_ Agent May put into it?). Ms. Rosenberg and Dr. Burkle agree: it’s all purely mundane chemicals, tinged with quite a lot of gamma radiation. Proceed to yell at R  & D all you wish. You may reassure Director Fury that we found nothing that needs to be passed on to General Ross or anyone at the Pentagon, thank goodness.

That being said …

While Ms. Rosenberg was examining the foreign compounds she extracted from the blood and hair samples, she saw something unusual about them, aside from the inherent instability of the formulae and apparent mutagenic properties they had. At least, that’s what she’s assuming the intended purpose was; we have no way of knowing based on what you sent us, but given what we saw on the news….

Anyway, in Willow’s opinion, everything about the samples seemed … woefully incomplete in a way that I am not knowledgeable enough to perceive or fully comprehend, and so she ran a few additional tests based on that hunch.

There is nothing that pure science can do to stabilize the compounds _or_ enhance the human body without the grotesque deformities seen in the two individuals in Harlem. Magic would seem to be the missing puzzle piece, and is required to perfect and complete …whatever this stuff is, although considerable further experimentation would be required to go into any more detail on that score. I’ve attached her full report; I don’t understand a word of it, but your scientists might, if you have any with the appropriate clearance levels and discretion.

She’s also fairly certain that effects of the two versions you sent us are irreversible, but again, further study would be necessary to confirm that suspicion.

 _Technically_ , none of this falls into our purview, since there is no magic _currently_ involved in the matter, but I’m not entirely sure it’s SHIELD’s domain, either. Either way, it’s all extremely dangerous, and not something to be mucked about with lightly, which I gather was exactly the problem here.

What in God’s name did you send me, Phil?

 

 

From: [pjcoulson@shield.gov](mailto:pjcoulson@shield.gov)

To: [rgiles@iswc.uk](mailto:rgiles@iswc.uk)

June 11, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Subject: Re: Help – Harlem Incident

The results of yet _another_ failed attempt to recreate the Super-Soldier Serum … or rather, two separate attempts, both of which backfired _horribly._

I’m not at liberty to say more at this moment, unfortunately, especially via email.

(Next time I see you, buy me several drinks and I’ll give you all of the dirty details.)

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Phillip J. Coulson                                                                                                                                                                                                             Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division

 

From: [rgiles@iswc.uk](mailto:rgiles@iswc.uk)

To: [pjcoulson@shield.gov](mailto:pjcoulson@shield.gov)

June 11, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Subject: Re: Help – Harlem Incident

Ah. Well, that explains that, then.

 

 

From: [pjcoulson@shield.gov](mailto:pjcoulson@shield.gov)

To: [rgiles@iswc.uk](mailto:rgiles@iswc.uk)

June 11, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Subject: Re: Help – Harlem Incident

…. That explains precisely _nothing_ , Giles.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Phillip J. Coulson                                                                                                                                                                                                             Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division

 

 

From: [rgiles@iswc.uk](mailto:rgiles@iswc.uk)

To: [pjcoulson@shield.gov](mailto:pjcoulson@shield.gov)

June 11, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Subject: Re: Help – Harlem Incident

Does this mean that there are yet unplumbed depths of Captain America lore, unknown even to one Phillip J. Coulson?

Let me take a moment to commemorate the occasion before I fill in the details.

In addition to being a well-respected biochemist, Dr. Erskine was also a member of the German branch of the Watcher’s Council, and his work tended to spill over from one field to the other and back again.   He was attempting to understand and either replicate or synthesize the changes that occur when a Potential Slayer is Chosen before Schmidt forced him to work for HYDRA, and he then brought that research with him to the SSR and Project Rebirth.

According to Ms. Rosenberg, all subsequent attempts to duplicate his work have failed because, and I quote, “it was all science and no magic, like trying to make fluffy bread without yeast: all you’ll get is pita or matzo! Not to mention, the PTB must have only _let_ it work properly that one time because Captain America was … well, Captain America.”

Frankly, I think the real reason Dr. Erskine kept the details of his formula a secret was to avoid explaining that his so-called “Serum” was in fact a _potion,_ or that the Project Rebirth procedure was a carefully designed magical ritual heavily mixed with science in a complementary whole. Convincing Howard Stark, Colonel Chester Phillips, or the US Government of these facts would have been a nightmare and a half, as I’m sure you must see.

In addition, I am instructed to inform you on Willow’s behalf that under no circumstances will _she_ (or any of the other witches associated with the Council) provide the missing ingredients, because the risks are far too great. Any attempts to importune her on the subject will result in the asker being flogged with a wet noodle, and then possibly turned into a rat, should he or she persist. Again, her words, not mine.

To the best of my knowledge, Director Carter was well aware of most of this information. Did she never mention it to you?

 

 

From: [pjcoulson@shield.gov](mailto:pjcoulson@shield.gov)

To: [rgiles@iswc.uk](mailto:rgiles@iswc.uk)

June 11, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Subject: Re: Help – Harlem Incident

**_ DAMMIT, GILES, YOU KNOW SHE DIDN’T!!!!!! _ **

You are _never_ getting any shortbread from me again. Ever.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Phillip J. Coulson                                                                                                                                                                                                             Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division

 

 

From: [njfury@shield.gov](mailto:njfury@shield.gov)

To: [rgiles@iswc.uk](mailto:rgiles@iswc.uk)

June 11, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Subject: Stop Breaking My Agents, God Dammit

Mr. Giles,

As I’m sure you are aware, in the past week, SHIELD has dealt with the following major crises, all happening pretty much simultaneously, in addition to our usual heavy workload:

  * Tony Stark’s meltdown and explosions at the Stark Expo.
  * Aliens and alien robots falling from the sky through a dimensional rift, and then destroying a small town in New Mexico.
  * Finally, monsters tearing up Culver University _and_ Harlem, because General Ross is a motherfucking dumbass.



I do _not_ need to look at Coulson’s pathetic pouting betrayed face on top of all of that. He’s wandering around like a kicked puppy right now; as a result, Barton’s resting murderface is getting a workout, Romanov is needling him about cheering Coulson up, and Hill and Hand are both currently too smug for words. Thank you _very_ much for completely demoralizing most of my senior staff with a single email.

I’ve got my eye on you.

Fury

\- - - - -

Nicholas J. Fury, Director                                                                                                                                                                                                             Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division

 

 

From: [rgiles@iswc.uk](mailto:rgiles@iswc.uk)

To: [njfury@shield.gov](mailto:njfury@shield.gov)

June 11, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Director Fury,

I live to serve.

Rupert Giles

P.S. Thank you for the single malt scotch. I assure you, it will not go to waste.


End file.
